Just when I thought my guilt level was at its worst, today I'm at my erm, (for lack of a better word...) Worstest.
I've been musing for countless months about the fact that I gained weight since I joined my current company. It was simply put: The end of wholegrain-bread sandwiches and a big hello to a socializing-filled worklife which involved more food-related teambuilding activities than my body could theoretically handle.
Don't get me wrong. I'd never give up the occasional steak with a baked potato topped with bacon bits and grilled vegetables on the side (I watch what I eat, but that doesn't mean I've lost my mind, LOL). But a table-full of teammates chomping down the Victoria Station's Phoenix Dragon Combo of "1/2 lobster, huge serving of chicken, baked potato, corn AND vegetables" being considered normal was just too much for my stomach to handle. I'm not afraid of food, I love food. It's my stomach that can't take THAT much of it. I used to eat 2 meals a day during college. The 5-meals at work thing was something my stomach refuses to agree with.
I want a bottomless tummy with the metabolism faster than the speed of light. Then I can live with the frequent over-indulgent team lunches. But I don't.
And no, I don't have an eating disorder, I don't fear food. Darn, I love food... I can't live a day without food, and to add to that, I'm a meat-lovin' person. It's just that, I can't give up my eat-till-you're-just-full to eat-like-everyone-else cuz everyone's 'normal' would turn me into having a Binge Eating Disorder. And THAT, would be an eating disorder.
I miss my old eating habits. I miss living a life where nobody would pressure me to eat when I was full, call me anti-social if I skipped some group lunch or dinner, or critisize me of being weird if I ate less than most of the other people.
It translates to me; missing my size zero clothes, and missing those days when size S was "too huge", and XS or XXS were the only sizes I could wear, and anything else seemed like I was borrowing Goliath's toga as a top. It translates to missing the day I weighed-in at the gym at 12.5% body fat percentage, and a BMI that was borderline underweight.
I used to think it was frustrating when my ex-bassist/friend nicknamed me "Bag-O-Bones". And to think of it now, feeling sick and uncomfortably full versus being jokingly called Bag-O-Bones? I'd rather live with ye olde Bag-O-Bones.
My musing has gone from amused to bemused.
I can no longer tolerate the large amounts of food. I feel nauseated and sick to my stomach. I want to eat because I'm hungry, not stuff myself with food even when I'm full just because people around me are hungry.
I'm starting to get so sick of my current eating habits that if there was a pill to substitute food, I may very well consider having it and using my meal-times to catch up on my piano-playing or practise for my upcoming electric guitar exams.
At least my electric guitar, Cosmo, doesn't complain when I have wholemeal BLT sandwiches for lunch.
From now on, there shall be no more. I'm gonna eat what I want, and not eat when I don't want to. And the next person who tries to make me eat or say "Are you on a diet?" (in THAT judgemental-esque tone) when I pass on the second roti canai or doughnut... will be shot, pronto.
So there you have it. Don't say I didn't warn you. =P
