Pre-RPM Banter...

I went for RPM the past 3 consecutive days! That's even more than I've ever done before my whole back thing. It feels good to get my momentum back =)

Howzever, what really got me thinking was the few minutes spent outside of the spinning studio yesterday, whilst waiting for the class to begin. There were 3 other females at the same table, asking each other the oh-so-overused "How much weight have you lost?" And when one of them asked me, I just diverted the conversation.

Thing is, I have nothing against disclosing if I've lost weight or made progress. But somehow I just didn't want to get into some banter of who lost more weight or who knows more. And most of all, it's because when it comes to losing weight, I don't compete with people. I compete only against myself. I don't believe in comparing myself to other people's goals or progress. To me, it's all about working towards my own goals and the physique I want. And knowing that I'm giving it everything I've got, and pushing myself beyond the imaginary self-imposed limitations, to get to where I want to be.

But most of all, it's because to me, it's not just about losing weight anymore. It's become so much more than that.

So yes, I am working on losing. But it's not just about "losing weight" in the literal sense. I want to lose, but to lose fat. I don't want to get into crash diets, overdo cardio, skimp on the weights and wind up with pounds upon pounds of weight loss, only to find it's all muscle loss… because to me, that's just counterproductive. And to me, my goal physique is not about having a tiny number show up on the weighing scale anymore.

Lately my focus is on other things. Things like, a low bodyfat percentage. Muscle definition. Being lean, not being skinny. Measurements. Working on packing on some dense muscle once I'm done with lowering the bodyfat percentage. Eating right. Eating clean. Getting fitter. Being stronger. Not feeling like I'm about to pass out post-cardio, haha. It's things like these which matter more to me nowadays.

I don't deny that the number on the scale matters, because it does. But it's just not the be all and end all anymore.

I find it a lil distorted when people think fitness and hitting the gym is all about losing weight or being unhealthily skinny. Or eating things which we know are clearly bad for us*, but we do it anyhow and justify it by saying things like "I'll burn it off at the gym tomorrow" or "It fits into my caloric allowance so it shouldn't be bad for me." Or overdoing things in an attempt to look better than the person next to us. I used to wrongly focus on such things because in the past, thinking that was the right thing to do… but today, I've know that's not what it should be.

*Note: When I say food that's "bad", I don't mean carbohydrates or fat, or a certain food group, no way. I'm referring to those processed foods that are bad for the body, like high-fructose corn syrup, hydrogenated fat, et cetera.

In a way, I feel that I've grown up. It feels different now. And it's a good kind of different =)

Ahh, BodyPump... finally! =)

I went for my first BodyPump class today, after countless months of not getting to do it during the whole my-spine-got-botched-thingy. Darn, I can't even remember without checking my old workout logs, when my last BodyPump class was. (Although I somehow do remember it was the Thursday class and I had like 10kg for the chest track... hmm.) That was a looooong time ago.

So back to today. I loved, loved, loved the class! Both today's class and BodyPump in general.

I have a thing for BodyPump. It always makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside =)

(The fact that I still think triceps push-ups on toes are torture is besides the point.)

I'm tempted to go for tomorrow's class. If the DOMS doesn't kill me when I crawl out of bed tomorrow morning, that is :P

I knew it. Get back to one BodyPump class and once again I'm hooked. I get into the whole "Oh how I missed those barbells and plates!" followed by various sentences gushing about the programme, which will eventually lead to "I wanna pile on more weights..."

As if you didn't see that one coming, LOL.

So now I'll have to constantly repeat (silently of course, duh) the whole "gotta take it slow" (which to me, is no small feat) mantra. See, I KNEW this would happen. I go for one class and that's it, I'm hooked. I can already hear the lil nosy voice at the back of my mind saying "I told you so!"

I can almost smell the whole situation that's about to come... the following weeks are gonna revolve around the internal dialogue along the lines of...

"Off to the gym. I feel like going for BodyPump today!"

"...but I gotta go for yoga *tone gets a lil less chirpy* because Dr. Aaron says I gotta keep up the thrice-weekly yoga/pilates/taichi."

"...but I feel like going for Pump. I miss those barbells and plates..."

Ahh, nevermind the fact that I can't totally live every gym-day immersed in BodyPump (YET!). Gotta keep up the core-stuff. Else if my spine pulls a fast one on me, it'll so chip at my sanity to be weights-deprived again and I'd go out of my mind then.

I must, I must remember to remind myself to not go too crazy with the nifty stuff just yet... gotta take it easy... gotta take it easy...

Darn, I'm happy to get back to BodyPump. Insanely happy. Unbelievable. That class to me is like a drug. Oh, I'll go ahead and use the L-word. This ain't just an addiction... It's love, as I like to call it =)

Happy Birthday, Liz! A year wiser but none the older... *grins*

Today's is my best friend Liz's birthday. So this post's dedicated to her. Oh yes, before I start...

Happy Birthday Liz! =)

I should be writing something card-ish but I'm useless when it comes to wishes. So instead, I'm doing...

Pauline's 12 Random Facts 'n' Stuff - A LBirthday Dedication-Thingy For Liz.

1. We've known each other for like, 15 years. Dagnabbit, that's 1.5 decades. Liz, we're getting oldddd :P

2. We used to sing karaoke of really old songs which I never even knew. Like, "To Sir With Love", gosh.

3. We almost did a singing presentation for Teachers' Day. She's always thankful that we did not do it. I secretly thought it was a darn waste we didn't. (Liz, now you know, heehee =P)

4. She's outspoken, genuine, and remains true to herself amidst the people-pleasers and hypocrites so abundant in today's world. Some people just don't get her, which to me is their loss. Because I think she's got some of the most important qualities any person should have.

5. The last I saw her was in 2002. That's ages ago. Now I feel guilty.

6. She's an ectomorph. She's ALWAYS complaining about how she doesn't gain weight, but I know many girls who'd willingly shave 20 years off their lives to have Liz's ability to eat french fries and not gain a pound. Liz, do you know how many hours I work my endo-mesomorph body into the ground at the gym, and I still do not get to eat cheesecake like you do? See, reasons for you to be optimistic :D

7. She used to like that Ballade Pour Adeline song by whom she calls "Richard Keladi-Man" and wanted to play it on the piano. Methinks she could definitely take up playing the piano/keyboards because she tried playing my piano at my house and I think she's got potential.

8. She's an eternal grinch at Christmas and every other major occasion. We have this annual routine of: (1) Wish each other Merry Christmas (2) Then grumble about how allergic we are to the festivities *chuckles* And I like that she's a grinch at Christmas. She's like my grinchy pillar of strength, providing much-needed grinchy-ness when festivities get over-hyped. I'd be out of my mind if it wasn't for her.

9. She has naturally gush-worthy, envy-worthy, great hair. The kind for which girls spend hours at the hairsalon and still not come close. And she's got doe eyes. But don't let those looks fool you, step on her tail and you're pretty much dead meat =P

10. Oh yes, this I *have to* mention. The last I saw her, she was still a no-makeup person. An exception was years back when she was at my house for Christmas. Somehow she allowed me to do makeup for her, and I did the whole kit and caboodle... dark eyeshadow, blush, lipstick, you name it. Oh, by the way Liz, I still have the photos :D

11. We shared diabolical chuckles when she gave a speech about Sex Education in school, despite the fact that we live in a very conservative Asian society, in an even more conservative high-school. Only one word is worthy of describing the reactions to her pièce de résistance: Priceless. Come to think of it now, I guess the teachers were too busy being horrified at that time, to figure that today she'd be a journalist, and just like years back, she'd be researching and dishing out the scoop on news.

12. Of all the friends and people I've known in my entire life, Liz is the one person who's always been there for me, despite the geographical differences, graduating school, and all that. I always call her my friend because I like the term "bestie" and "best friend", but fact is, to me, she's not just a friend, she's family. And that's a pretty awesome thingy we have goin' on =)

There. 12 things you probably never knew. Of one of the awesomest person I know and am so grateful to have in my life. I should probably stop writing before she puts my head on the chopping board =P

So Liz, here's hoping you have an awesome year ahead, and many more to come (drats, I sound so cheesy, no poking fun! I'm obviously terrible at this.) What I want to say to you is this...

Sometimes life gets crappy and I know you've been going through so much stuff lately, but stay strong! I'm not gonna go all "everything happens for a reason" on you because optimism was never my thing. But I want you to know that no matter what happens, I believe you're strong enough to handle it all. You've been through more things than most people I know, and yet you've never let them keep you from being who you want to be.

Keep hangin' on and pushing on, and once all the crappy stuff's done and over with, you're gonna come out of the whole thing and be able to go "I survived! Hah!" Then you can scoff at the face of overcome-ed adversities, and I'll willingly be your sound engineer to setup microphones and speakers so the satisfied chuckles can permeate our atmosphere, stratosphere and all those what-have-you-spheres we learnt in primary school *grins* =D

Birthday wishes from me sprinkled with lotsa love, hugs and of course, 'em cheesecakes! =)

Gauge Your Appetite... Ergo I Gauged Mine.

So today I read this article from RealAge (that's the Dr. Mehmet Oz's, for the unfamiliar) that had a Gauge Your Appetite scale which I thought was pretty good. I think most of those appetite-gauging scales from other articles are sort of vague, and this one's so much clearer. I've hyperlinked the URL to the full article, so I'm just putting the scale here since that's the jist of it.

GAUGE YOUR APPETITE

0 Tank = Hungry

1/2 Tank = Edge is off

3/4 Tank = Satisfied and not hungry

Full Tank = Full and comfortable

Overflow Level S = Stuffed

Overflow Level OS = Overstuffed

Overflow Level BP = Button Pop/Exploding

Aim to stay in the 3/4 to Full Tank range -- satisfied at all times. You'll get there by eating regularly throughout the day. After applying the gauge for 2 weeks, you'll start to know instinctively why you're eating and, better yet, you'll train yourself to eat simply to keep your stomach -- not your emotions -- satisfied.

And then, more of my ramblings...

A few minutes in deep thought resulted in the realization that I'm almost always at "Full Tank". That's 24x7, with the exception of the hours that I'm asleep, of course. Mostly because I live by those fitness rules of eating every 3-4 hours, lean protein plus complex carbs. (Lately I've been guilty of having simple carbs like non-wholewheat waffles at work, ugh... crap food, I know, I know. I seriously need to stop putting crap into my system. Yuck. But that's another story.)

Thing is, I sometimes wonder if being almost always at "Full Tank" is a good or a bad thing. Probably because there's always those so-called-tips-of-a so-called-proper-diet which repeat like a mantra the phrase, "Eat when you're hungry (and not if you ain't)."

Ahh, enough of the trains of thought. I'm just gonna stick to my "eat every 3-4 hours". I need to get back to cracking my skull to think of ways to pack proper snacks to work instead. So I can ditch the office crap-food for good.

I want the pain to go away. And not just the physical kind.

I'm bummed! I don't think I've been making any progress towards my 15% bodyfat percentage target lately. If anything, I might've even been gaining and not even know it. And boy, do I have much to grumble about.

My regular gym routine is 5 days/sessions per week; of 1-2 hours of cardio plus 1 hour of weight-training every session. Granted, there are people in the world who exercise more than me... but I don't think I'm doing too badly either, considering that the average person does less than that.

But unless the weighing scale is faulty or my eyes have gone blurry, I haven't lost weight. I'm doing the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing with measurements and bodyfat percentage right now because I fear that if I checked and found that I'm not making progress, I'd be so crushed it'll kill me. Argh :(

.....

I'm frustrated, disgruntled, and I know JUST where to dump my anger at.

Food. The saboteur of every other effort I've put in towards my 15% target. Dagnabbit.

Food is my downfall and I just know it. I been slacking on the calorie-counting lately. Having to attend multiple offsite trainings for work isn't helping either. Hotel food, training-centre food, eating out... I cringe everytime I eat 'bad' food, knowing that consuming those things is practically feeding my body with 'poison'. And yet I have to eat them. My days are a vicious cycle of...

(1) I know that the food is bad for me --> (2) I eat it anyway (either by choice, or because I have no choice) --> (3) I regret it and the guilt eats at me.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

.....

To make things worse, I've been behind on my gym-sessions lately. The shin splint is gone, but the hamstring thingy has been bugging me for 3 weeks now and it refuses to go away. It's painful even when I'm lying down. My legs refuse to perform the way I want them to during my workouts.

The injuries are robbing me of my momentum and I desperately need to get it back. I want to regain momentum. I need my mojo back.

Yesterday evening I was suddenly hit by this super-irked feeling. I'm tired of the injury and physical pain holding me back from exercising. And I'm tired of the self-sabotage, not eating right and washing down the gutter all my efforts of working towards my target physique.

The truth is that I want to get back to my gym routine but I'm scared. I remember how badly I did in my last BodyCombat class... I knew I wasn't executing the kicks properly because of the pain in my legs. I worry that I'd go into an RPM class, if the pain got so bad, and what I'd do because I've never in my entire life walked out midway through an RPM class. I want to run on the treadmill but I'm so afraid I'll fall or that something crazy might happen because my legs aren't even doing a good job of plain walking.

I don't feel like seeing a doctor. And I'm sick and tired of people around me who BLAME exercise for causing the injury. Actually I'm fed-up with everyone who acts as if exercise was bad for me. What is wrong with people nowadays? *sigh*

But back to the injury... I just can't let it hold me back anymore. This crap's been going on for 3 weeks. Amidst my doubts, my strong-willed inner voice says, "And if the pain doesn't go away, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna just sit back and wait for it to go away? You don't even know when (or if!) it's gonna go away. Seriously, you need to move on."

And I know my inner voice is right. So right now, I'm just operating on the basis of "Scroo the injury, I'm moving on."

.....

The plan for today was to go for RPM, followed by BodyPump. It's now way past 5pm and I'm stuck in offsite training, and it's not gonna end anytime soon. I'm tired, and I'm mentally and physically drained. I've been deprived of my regular gym-sessions this week because of the training, and today it's dragging on extra-late. Hopefully it'll finish soon and I'll head for the gym. I guess hopes of RPM have been shattered... I'll just head for the treadmill and then BodyPump.

I really am tired. Of everything from the physical pain, to being mentally drained, to work-stuff that's bogging me down, to the other things occupying my mind, some of which I can't put my finger to. I wish I could close my eyes and when I open them up again, everything would be fine.

All I want to feel is that life wasn't zapping the life out of me.

Of parrots, copycats and knock-offs...

I'm super-irked. Some people are such wannabes and copycats! It's pathetic. It's ridiculous.

Imitation is the LAMEST form of flattery. That's my stand and I'm sticking to it. And this time, when I say "imitation", I'm not just talking about designer knock-offs which are so prevalent in M'sia. I'm talking about living, breathing, walking imitations... people who copy other people.

Recently, a certain Lil Miss Wannabe has decided to parrot (verb) me; and her constant shameless copying of the words I use and the way I talk and write; is plain tap-dancing on my nerves. And parroting is just a tiny chunk off her entire nauseating wannabe-esque. Oh yes, there's more... I can assure you there's more. But I'm not gonna list them down here. Because I refuse to waste time on people who are nuts. In the words of Dilbert, "If you spend all of your time arguing with people who are nuts, you'll be exhausted and the nuts will still be nuts."

A mutual friend once 'reported' to me that Lil Miss Wannabe is (and I paraphrase) "trying to appear cooler than she actually is". I do not disagree.

People who try too hard just baffle and annoy me to no end. I think the most unimpressive people are the ones who are constantly trying to impress others (talk about irony!).

It's like who they are; got lost in the turbulence of trying to keep up this illusion of a faux-person they *think* others would love.

All this reminds me of one of the quotes I used during those public speaking competitions from high school: "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." I loved that quote then, and I still do now. I do believe that people are better off when they learn to ditch attempts of trying to be bad Xeroxes of other people, and work on being the awesomest-possible unique master copy of themselves. (Note: I'm aware that 'awesomest' is technically not a *real* word. But I just like saying it. It's my thing, let it go :P)

When I first started writing this, I was angry. But now I realize that there's really no reason to be angry at copycats.. be it Lil Miss Wannabe, or any other copycat I have or will come across. Getting angry is a waste of energy (I've got a better use for that energy - save it for my next weight-training session!) and totally unnecessary. Why let 'little nothings' upset me? Let 'em be. Let 'em copy all they want. After all, keep that up, and the only person they're damaging is themselves. (Side note: I'm struggling to resist the temptation to type "*insert evil laugh here*" after my last sentence, LOL)

Because when you come to think of it, if someone's a second-rate version of you, and you're a first-rate version of you, then saying who's better is merely stating the obvious, isn't it? :)

P/S. Two things don't change though... (1) I still think that imitation is the lamest form of flattery. (2) I still hate designer knock-offs. Blearch.

I Don't Belong Here...

It's been ages since my last post. Which come to think of it, isn't exactly 'normal' considering the fact that I'm usually very expressive and always verbalizing even the most infinitesimal thoughts that cross my mind.

I guess it's just a matter of not knowing how to put my thoughts into words this time. Or maybe it's knowing how to, but not feeling like it, because of the nagging thought that the only thing to come out of me expressing how I feel, is being judged and criticised. Or feeling that no matter what or how much I say, most people don't understand me anyway.

I'm upset with work. I just know this isn't the right place for me. I guess the worst feeling in the world is to remain in a certain place or situation when we know deep inside that it's not right for us.

How did I get here? I thought I was happy, I thought I was in control. I thought if I did what was right, I'd have peace of mind. But yet I wake up in the morning dreading having to go to the office because I'm so unhappy. The IT industry, the life of a corporate slave, the cubicle-bound 8-to-5 deskjob faced with computers daily and the late-night conference calls, the never-ending demands and expectations. Some people thrive in such situations, but this life is not for me. All this does for me is to make me increasingly miserable by the day.

I don't belong here.

I used to think that when it comes to a job, money was (almost, if not) everything. When I first graduated, I thought to myself that I'd climb the corporate ladder, work tirelessly 'round the clock and someday get to the point where life revolved around 3-piece suits, a huge house I'll probably never get to spend any time in because I'd have to pull overnighters in the office, and a paycheck fat enough to pay for multiple Ferraris by cash.

I used to say that happiness didn't mean nuts if I didn't have oodles of cash. I couldn't be more wrong.

I used to scoff and never believed when people told me that priorities would change as time passes. And the fact is, the old adage was true.

Today there's not much I wouldn't give for happiness and contentment. Doing a job that may not be super-glam but knowing that it gives me fulfillment and that it's the right job for me. Being able to have time-off for myself, and to spend with the people I love. Being able to go off on a holiday with family, and not have to lug along my notebook or a Blackberry. Having the freedom to crash early at night, without the 12am conference calls, or the paranoia of my cell ringing at 2am with an issue from work that may keep me awake till dawn. Not having to drag myself to a job that makes me nothing but unhappy.

Being able to do what I love.

And in the end I guess that's what matters. Knowing that we spend our lives doing what we love, and what we're meant to do. Doing something that at the end of the day, puts a smile on our faces and give us that inner peace and contentment that no paycheck can buy. Having a job that doesn't make you cry yourself to sleep every night, or dread waking up in the morning. Having a job that pays for the stuff you need in life, and not one that robs you of your life. And that's one thing I'm working towards right now.

Because I owe it to myself to be happy.

I'm glad that today, despite my designer-obsession and my love for fast cars, crazy electric guitars and concert grand pianos, I can say from my heart: Oodles of cash mean nothing to me if I didn't have happiness.

I read this phrase somewhere this morning, and it definitely jolted me: "Life is simply too short to spend it doing things that make you unhappy." Now that's a reality-check I wouldn't mind having, over and over again.

Chinese New Year is just around the corner, but...

Chinese New Year is just 2 days away. Activities have been planned and preparations are underway. I should be ecstatic. But I feel kinda numb and indifferent.

I've never been much of a holidays' enthusiast. To me, they're all over-hyped; and everytime the festivities peak, I just get detached and apprehensive. If I were to dig deep into my heart and fess up, christmas trees, multicolored lights, mandarin orange trees and clanging cymbals during a lion dance performance don't have the same effect on me as they do on the average person. I actually find it a tad pesky to hear those clanging cymbals and drums when I'm trying to get my shut-eye on Chinese New Year mornings.

Now this is gonna make me sound like such a grouch (a la Oscar of Sesame Street), but I sometimes find festivals to be some sorta 'interruption to normal life'. It's a holiday and I'm work-free, yet I can't go shopping for clothes or scouring the racks for shoes because most of the shops are closed for the holidays. I don't get to head for my Bodypump and RPM classes because the gym is also closed for the holidays. I can't run errands because banks, offices and possibly the whole world has gone MIA for what seems like eternity. All this just makes me feel so unproductive and slacky, and it's pretty crappy. Holidays celebrations break my routine, and the moment they end; I'm once again battling the post-holiday blues, trying to regain my momentum and getting back to being the my-pre-holiday-productive-self.

It's not like I'm a holiday-hater or anything of that sort. I appreciate the time spent with family and friends during the holidays. I enjoy going on trips with my family. I like being able to take a breather from work every once in awhile. It's the festivities and hype that I find exhausting and so unnecessary at times. But that's just me.

My typical weekend is filled with a plethora of activites from electric guitar class, working out at the gym and sessions with my trainer, shopping, catching up on housework, getting some down-time at home, piano practise sessions, et cetera. This weekend however, would need nothing short of a miracle for me to check even half of the items on that list. I'm still feeling more than a tinge of bummed-ness over the fact that I'm missing the session with my trainer this weekend from having to travel for you-know-what-occasion-it-is-in-2-days-time.

Ah, what can I do. The things in life we cannot change. All I want is a laidback holiday where I can relax. But that never happens. So I'm filling up my Ipod to the last byte with non-holiday-esque songs. Scheduling into my PDA the gym sessions I get to attend once the gym re-opens after the holidays. Making a list of things I can do to make full use of my time-off.

I try to smile. It's not a convincing one but nevermind. Hopefully the anti-festivities-glum-ness will fade when the family gatherings begin.

Because family's the 'stuff' that holiday celebrations are made of.